Pagtangis Ng Walang Luha

Walang araw na hindi ka sumagi sa aking makitid na isipan.
Sa aking pagtulog gabigabi ikaw ang napapanaginipan.
Mga sandaling kay tamis na ating pinagsaluhan.
Ngayo'y isang mapait na alaala na pinagsisisihan.

Pinipilit kong ngumiti at dayain ang aking sarili.
Ngunit kahit anong awat kabiguan ay hindi maikubli.
Ang pagtangis ng walang luha ay isa na lamang libangan.
Dasal ko sa maykapal ay wala namang kahahantungan.

Sinusubukan kong bumangon mula sa aking pagkalugmok.
Puso kong walang tibay ay patuloy sa kanyang paghihimutok.
Payo ng karamihan ay mahalin ang sarili bago magmahal muli.
Subalit hindi nila batid ang pakiramdam ng nakababad sa pusali.

Hanggang kailan ko ba iindahin ang kirot na ayaw humupa.
Ang landas ng paglimot sayo ay patuloy ko pa ring kinakapa.
Pinagtagpi-tagping lakas ng loob ang nagtutulak na lumakad.
Makadama ng pagmamahal ang tangi ko lamang na hinahangad.

Kapag kaya ko ng muling maging masaya hihinto na ang ulan.
Baha na abot hanggang dibdib ay nakakasunog na parang kalan.
Sana may dumampot sa akin mula sa putik na nanlilimahid.
Muling patibukin ang puso kong naninigas at namamanhid.

Sa Aking Pagpikit

Sumisirit,humihilagpos ang mga salita sa bibig ko pero di maaring bitawan.
Pipigilin,Mag-hunosdili ka kung ayaw mo na ikaw ay lubusang masaktan.
Luluha,Pupunasan na lang ang mga damdamin na karapatdapat na itali.
Sisisihin,itutulak palayo ang puso na walang alam kung hindi magkamali.

Hindi ko aaminin,magsinungaling kahit ang katotohanan ay mapagpalaya.
Hahamakin,iwasan ang mga agam-agam tungkol sakanya at ako ay magpaparaya.
Ayokong umasa,susuko na lang sapagkat ang panahon ay wala sa aking kamay.
Hihilutin,uunatin ang utak kong baluktot nang sa iba ay hindi na madamay.

Mawawalan ng ulirat,ngunit magigising sa katotohanan na hindi ka magiging akin.
Tatahimik,pero kakausapin at hahayaan ang ang nararamdaman ay tuluyang palipasin.
Hahawakan,hahablutin ang nakaraan upang matanaw ang aandap-andap na kinabukasan.
Magtatago,Iiwas sa mapupungay mong mga matang nangungusap na parang isang tulisan.

Mabibigo,malulupig ng pagibig na hindi dapat sumibol sa dibidib kong wasak.
Sasaluhin,dadamputin ang mga ngiti mo na tila mula sa kalangitan ay bumagsak.
Nahihirapan,naubusan ng mga kataga na iaalay sayo sa pamamgitan ng isang sulat.
Hangad ko lang ay mabasa mo ang mga walang saysay na talatang ito sa iyong pagmulat.

Isang Taon

Ngayong gabi nakahimlay ng payapa sa aking higaan
Sumasagi ating masasayang sandali sa’king isipan
Isang taon...
Isang taon mula ng unang nasilayan
Mula noon mga mata mo ay hindi ko maiwasang titigan

Ako’y nanghihinayang sa bawat sandali
Isang taong Kasiyahan at sigla ay idinulot mo Sakin
Aking lumuluhang mga mata
Napapalitan ng ngiti
Ika’y anghel  sa bawat araw kong Naninimdim

Bilis ng kaba sa’king dibdib aking naramdaman
Nung unang beses mo akong kausapin at titigan
Kaysarap alalahanin ng  bawat minsan
Ang aking pagibig na nadarama
Isang taon na ay wala parin kupas
Lalo pang tumitindi

Isang taon, at kahit ilang taon pa
Pangako ko ako'y sa iyo kakapit
Ano mang pagtulak, ano mang pagsubok
Walang hiyaan walang pag aalangan
Magbabalik ang bawat minsan
Ikaw ang pangarap kong bituin, ang aking pananampalataya
mananatili na sa’king mundo at hindi na lilisan
Isang taon, magpakailanpaman, mahal kita

A Ticket

I hate being an adult.

You learn that this is not the movies. No matter how hard you try, the effort, you can end up being the bad guy. You would always lose even with the best intentions, though you are not entirely at fault, you'd lose. You become emotionless.

I used to see things in B&W. Now it’s all varying shades of grey.

Way back when, I just saw things as they are. It was plain and simple. Bad guys liked to create problems for everyone and the good guys tried to make things right. Satan was evil and God was good. Now that I’m older and perhaps a little wiser, I find that my notion of evil was so many levels removed from what is truly evil and that too much of a good thing can also be bad. The people who profess to be good also have their various interests that they want to move forward and selflessness is perhaps just a concept I studied in class. 

People are gone.

Whether they are friends or family, people are gone forever. I have a lot of good memories having been blessed with a brain that can still recollect the past. I want to go back to the time when I was young and I had everyone around me. I am glad that I can reminisce but I would rather I can give them hugs and tell them how valuable they are to me.

On being depended on…

As a kid, I just wanted to play. Whether it was contra or castlevania, whether it was playing a game of tag or hide & seek. Play was the four-letter word that was OK to say out loud without getting in trouble (unless my report card had the colour red). I have emails to answer, contracts to sign, decisions to make. From Monday to Friday, I get messages & calls and have to do meetings because people need me to. Even if I just wanted to crawl under my sheets and be dead to the world, my adult conscience won’t let me.  I want to say it sucks to be me but I can imagine millions more out there have suckier lives and so come Monday morning, my alarm clock will wake me up at the appointed time and I have to experience the drudgery of adult life.

Can I just unlearn?

Ignorance is bliss. My curious mind has definitely killed the kitten inside me. There are things that I cannot unsee and things that I cannot unlearn. Knowing certain things makes you presume things and kills excitement. It makes you plan for contingencies. It makes you cynical. Which brings me to…

I have forgotten how to puppy love.

Do you remember how you’d fall madly in love back in middle school? The type of intoxicating love that grabs hold of you and lets you think that with just love, everything will be alright? The type of love where you push yourself and exert so much effort to get the affection of your one true love? As an adult, I cannot experience this again with so many factors that I have to consider such as family, backgrounds, culture, and many more. I was told that I should use my head and not my heart and unfortunately, ignoring my heart must have caused it to malfunction as I can’t make it work in the same way as when I was younger. I have always said that the kind of love you experience when you’re young is much purer as compared to the diluted love you experience as an adult.

But life goes on…

I want to turn back time to the years when life was fun. When life had more meaning. When life meant waking up to awesome Saturday morning cartoons and having McDonald’s shakes. When life was waiting for your crush down the hall just so you can catch a whiff of their hair and try to guess the shampoo they used. When life afforded me the chance to go home and have family dinners with my entire family. It sucks to be an adult burdened with the monotony of the daily grind, superficial materialism and living up to social standards that benefit others more than they benefit me. But such is life and such are the chains that bind me and hold me down though there is always tomorrow and with each dawn comes a new hope.

Ulol

Mayroong kuto sa mata, ang tatay mo punkista

May tsokolate, bulate

May sandwich sa ilong, sing haba ng talong...

Sa lupa nanggaling at doon din babalik, halik- halik ang rosaryong nakasukbit sa leeg niyang puno ng sugat.

Iiyak- iiyak, tutulo ang luhang sing pait nang apdo na susunog sa iyong lalamunan.

Oh..saan? saan ba ang katarungan? Ang buhay niya ay pinagkaitan.

Pinagkaitan nang mga pangakong hindi man lamang naitatag.


Mga pangakong lumutang, mga nangakong sinilaw siya sa kinang nang alapaap

Hanggang sa siya ay nahulog at nalugmok sa lupang natuyo

Na hindi man lamang nadiligan nang mga kinang nang butil nang ulan.

Hindi na siya makatayo, unit unti nang naaagnas ang kaniyang pagkataong matagal na ring pinatigas nang panahon.

Kasabay nito ang unti- unting pagpanaw nang mga ilaw sa kalsadang hindi man lamang siya tinatanaw.

Namulat nang may dusa, tumayo sa dusa at gumapang sa dusa ngayon ay isa na siyang dusta.

Kumapit sa kung ano- ano, umasa sa mga bagay na hindi siya inasahan.

Nasira pati pag asang marating ang rurok nang kaligayahan.

Tuluyan nang nawala kinalimutan ang sarili.

Isa siyang ulol, ulol sa isang bituin na hindi man lamang siya tinanaw, tanging hangad ay kuminang.

Sa Wakas The Musical : One Final Cry

Before reading this, you must read this http://kamoterulestheuniverse.blogspot.com/2018/04/sa-susunod-na-buhay-nalang.html prequel to stupidity "Sa Susunod Na Buhay Nalang"


I Cried. period.

Five years later, the wildly successful indie musical that brilliantly uses the songs of Ebe Dancel and Sugarfree continues to draw crowds in its third and farewell run at the Power Mac Center Spotlight at Circuit Makati. “Sa Wakas” has undeniably made a strong emotional connection with audiences that it has confidently set a lengthy run of nearly two months (it closes on May 27) with performances six days a week.

When you find yourself wandering aimlessly through memories and missed chances. Those decisions you were afraid to make so life just passed you by. All it takes is watch "Sa Wakas" that is written with that same amount of intuition and it snaps you back into reality. Life sucks but the joy that comes after picking yourself back up, that connection is what drives us all. You keep going even if your broken and bleeding.  Even if there is no hope. Looking back only slows you down.

Sa Wakas is a must watch.

Sa Susunod na Buhay nalang.

Dear Faith,

Lahat ng sinabi ko sa iyo totoo, lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi na ako magtatago sa bulaklak ng tula, wala ng palabok. Hindi ko na kayang itigil pa ang ang mundo ko, ikaw ang mundo ko, hindi ko na kayang pansamantalang patigilin ang buhay ng lahat ng umaasa sa akin para sa sandaling hinihiling ko sa iyo. You are a priority... ako? Kahit option nga lang hindi pa ako pumapasa. Saglit lang naman, marinig mo lang in person, ang rason, ang katotohanan. Bakit ako naghahabol ng oras, bakit hindi ako nagsasalita. Kampante ako, magulo, hindi alam kung ano ang susunod na gagawin. Nagkataon, nagkatagbo, pero hindi tinadhana. Hindi ko na alam papano, kung alam mo lang Faith. Sa mundo kong malupit. Kung alam ko lang kung papano. Sabihin ko sana ang 'di ko kayang sabihin. Aaminin na sana ang 'di ko kayang aminin. Tapusin na natin ang hindi natin kailangan dalhin. Isang saglit lang, isang saglit. Kausapin mo ako.

Sa salita mo nga "tutal"

Kung tutal, sa susunod na buhay nalang.

Sa susunod na buhay nalang.

Can't Count

How do I love thee? Let me count

Beyond a hundred maybe, grows each day

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

I love the way you look at things

I love thy color of the hair

Your eyes as they melt me

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

The way you tell me your sleepy

The way thy tell me you just woke

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love the way you don’t, but you do

The way you say you cant, but you can

I love the way you like the way i like you

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Tula ng Nagmamahal: Tutuldok

Mahal kita....
Dati gusto na kita....
Di mapagkakaila....
Naghintay ako....
Patingin tingin...
Pasulyap sulyap....
Sumisikip dibdib sa bawat silip...

Hanggang naglakas ng loob magpakilala at sabihin sa iyo na gusto kita....
Naging masaya ako....
Sayang hindi mapapantayan ng ibang tao...
Sayang walang katumbas na pera....
Sayang nagbigay kulay sa malamlam na mundo ko....
Sayang binalot ng liwanag ang puso at buhay ko....
Masaya nga ako....

Sa sobrang saya kinalimutan ko ang matulog....
Para sa oras na minimithing laging makasama ka....
Kinalimutan ko mag ipon at kung paano harapin ang bukas...
Dahil ang alam ko sa ngayon ay masaya ako...
Kinalimutan ko ang ibang tao na nakapaligid....
Kinalimutan ko ang lahat maging sarili ko....
Dahil umikot ang mundo ko sa mundo mo kung saan ako naging masaya....

Nagmamahal na nga ako ng sobra....
Minsang nasaktan, sa huli pinairal pa din ang pagmamahal...
Tinalikuran ang isang bangungot na nagbibigay pighati sa puso....
Nagpakamanhid sa hapdi at kirot para ipagpatuloy ang saya ng nagmamahal...

Para sa iba katangahan o kabaliwan...
Para sa akin...mundo at pangarap ko....
Naranasan mo na bang maging masaya?
Pano pag yung saya na yun mawala sa iyo?
May saysay at kulay pa ba yung mundong ginagalawan mo....

Pansinin mo naman ako...
Linguine mo naman ako...
Pwede bang ako naman lutaan mo ng Shanghai...
Ang lutaan mo ng manok...
Ang titigan mo ng malagkit...

Kasi ikaw lang nasa isip ko...

The Wolf and The Blue Moon

On once another lent with a blue Moon
A howl of a lone wolf echoes across the silence

Mesmerised by the sheer beauty
A lone wolf keeps howling "moon"

The wolf is in love with the moon
and each month it cries for a love it will never touch

How does the wolf tell the moon
Can his cry reach her, distance, no embrace

A wolf cries to the moon
Whos sorrow is only matched by his passion

this is how the wolf sings
this is how his heart does cry

Does the wolf really want to know
Where is the moon during the day?

High above their kingdom
With the heavens

A love the wolf can only watch in the distance
until his very last breath

Thirty Three

If you have a deep connection, then yes go for it
It was a Thursday, not a Friday, I lost my whit

You said in love, there is no height, no color, no age
My feeling for thee cannot have a gage

I was a girl, you were a boy, past
I am a man, you are a lass

My star please don't be afraid
I won't quit i'm afraid

In 22 I will stop being thirty three,
take the risk, we only have one life cant you see?

For everyday, every minute, every second
We are apart, I die a bit, i miss you, I reckon

I only have a few to be thirty three, believe in chance
fill my last remaining days of 33, with your lovely glance

Thank you for this thirty three, an unfilled longing
The emptiness of our intertwined heartbeats singing

I count down the days, please grab me and dont let go
Five, four, three, two, one, zero

Sakura Matches the Color of Your Callous

Your feet have callous
Your heart have callous

They don't know and they knew but
Sakura matches the color of your hair
Sakura matches upcoming blood

We're so romantic you and I
In a train wreck sort of way

We kept throwing punches at each other
Looks like we are more beautiful bleeding than clean
There is beauty in your dirt covered shoes

I got lucky your jagged knife
Missed my heart by an inch

You’re blind in the left eye
I did manage to break a rib or two
Calloused

Cute, i never knew your body
Could bend that way

Shaking knuckles, I never knew
I had that much to bleed

Every cracking sound is a rebirth
Every sweat and tear a sign of life

There is no more left to fragment
We stopped, smirked, slowly walked away

Your feet have callous
Your heart have callous

Not a sound, not an agony
Not a relief, not a sigh

Last we saw eye to eye, we didn't flinched
A salt to my open wound, a reoccurring car crash

Are you ignorant? This statement is false
I cannot forget I have amnesia

Let me remind you at one point
Your blood mixed with mine

No amount of crying
Could wash your guilty hands

We are neverwhere
We are nevermore

You never knew me, I'm the one to blame
I never knew you, you're the one in vain

Dark remembers light
As eternally binded and separated

They don't know but
Sakura matches the color of your blood

We're so romantic you and I
In a train wreck sort of way

AMATS

AMATS

Wag ka na sakin magalit
Nahuhulog ako sa langit
Inibig kita ng tunay
Buhok mo man pink and kulay

Damdamin ko’y mabigat
Pero masaya dahil tambay ka ng gubat

Bagnet na digital tol
humihit nanaman ako ng katol

May kuto sa mata
Ang kyut mong pungkista

Pimple ka ba?
-kase pag pinipilit kitang tanggalin nasasaktan ako.
May payong ka ba?
-inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan.
Buti walang MMDA dito.
-nagkabanggaan kasi mga puso natin.
Minamalat ang puso ko.
-pano kasi! Kakasigaw sa pangalan mo.

-Pag ako nagka-business lahat mura, sayo lang ako mamahal.
-ipapapulis na kita! Ninakaw mu kasi ang puso ko.
-uy? Tapos na ba exam mo? Sana ako naman ang sagutin mo.
-Pirated CD ka ba, kasi! Mahal kita, Mahal Kita, Mahal Kita (tumalon yung CD)

ANG BIGAT NUN!
Mahal kita, pwede ba?
Mahal kita, tumigil ka.
Mahal kita, tama na
Mahal kita, tumigil ka!

Automatic ang luha
Pero may ngit at tuwa
nawawala akong bula
eto ulit tulala

May amats na ko haluh

Irresistible Force Paradox

"What happens when an unstoppable force (kamote) meets an immovable object (clinomaniac)?"

I slowly opened my eyes felt my heart to check if I was still alive, with one thought in mind, a decision to find a clinomaniac.  At that erratic moment nothing was more important to me than the sweet pink haired clinomaniac, she mattered more to me than my job, food, my sanity, my personal safety, and my life. Absolutely nothing but her. I am an unstoppable force, and as a clinomaniac, she is an unstoppable object I would search the world and try to move.

Jumping on the the first bus without hesitation, no worry about hunger, lack of sleep or shower. I have to see her.

The journey, a long perilous journey through land, sea, and air. I had to go through the heat, the cold, thieves, rubbers, ugly live broadcast apps. This is worth it, this is to see my princess. Nothing is more important that to see that wicked smile, those tantalising eyes.

The day went by, the immovable object never moved, the unstoppable force never stopped. Loneliness hunted me, creeping inside me every step I took amongst a sea of people with blank faces.

The sun went down, the stars arrived, showing their lost light, she did wasn't there. She wasn't there. I am left with a smile, a glimmering hope. 

What have we learned
1. I am insane, truly madly crazy fallen for a star, for a faith, for a clinomaniac.
2. I could have bought the things I bought on the grocery next door.
3. When you say "malayo" its true.

So what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object? They dance, they dance for eternity. A dance that will break the very fabric of reality.